Individual Conflict Management in Organization: A reflection from personal experience - Iloka Benneth Chiemelie

NTRODUCTION

There is a story of one man and his friend named Ifeanyi Robinson. The man's friendship with Robinson started when they both meet each other at college. Robinson seemed a nice and charming person to be with, as he had this hypomanic quality in him whereby he never say no to any challenge, instead always focused on finding solutions to all obstacles that life can possibly through at him.

This quality energized a form of truce between both men, and Robinson gradually became one of his college best buddies. Their friendship develop into a form of brotherly relationship where  this man was always there for Robinson whenever he needed him, and never questioned his thought as he have gradually developed to respect him as himself.

In the event that all went well, they would both still be friends today but unfortunately the reverse was the case. Mr. Robinson got caught up in the long arms of the law for charges of (1) assault and rape, and (2) endangering human life. These charged were leveled on him due to the event where he beat up his girlfriend and sexually assaulted her.

Two weeks to the date of his sentencing, he was given two options by the court. He would either pay the sum of US$ 5,000 to the girl or get a sentence of up to 21 years imprisonment. His brother and other friends were looking for money to take the first option as it was inevitably the only option they could take. They had no source and his college buddy was on holiday with his girlfriend.

A day to the sentencing, his closest friend Ezenwa Calistus visited him to inform him that there was no way to get the required amount of money. So Robinson told him to call his friend informing him that this friend would do anything for him is he was in possession of it and that he (Robinson) would pay back once he is out. Calistus did as told and this man sent the required over to him immediately the same night and Robinson was bailed the next day.

The next day, Mr. Robinson was released but he didn't do as promised. He broke the trust and ran to Thailand. The money the man sent was his school fees sent over to him by his family. He nearly quit school after the incidence, but glad today, he is able to continue and finish the studies.Unfortunately that man is me and this is a major event of conflict in my life. It caused problems between me and my parents who sent the hard earned money, it taught me never to trust anymore and it taught me that nothing is impossible as I still strived an completed my studies and now in better terms with my parents.

THEORETICAL BACKGROUND

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

—William Shakespeare 

The "Triangle of Conflict," is part and parcel of human condition, making up the three sides which are hidden feelings, defensive behaviors, and conflict (Malan, 1963, 1976; Malan and Osimo, 1992). Individuals experience conflicts as a result of unwelcomed feelings or ideas that generate anxiety and yield defensive reactions (Ketsdevries, 2008). Unluckily, defensive behavior mirror the exact vague of awareness that the individual is protecting his or her self from, because the exact nature of this unacceptable feelings is unconscious.

In reality, the suppression of the unwelcomed feeling can be seen as the work of defensive behavior: which works to avoid the individual becoming aware of them, or experiencing them. Some indications of defensive behavior include changing the subject when issues related to the past experience are raised, denial of the existence of problems and rationalizing acts that raises questioning (Ketsdevries, 2007a).

The challenges individuals face is to overcome their defensive barriers and highlight the central issue they are trying to deal with. Fortunately, in an innovational institution such as Linkokwing University, these individuals are not alone as they can approach the counseling department to find perfect solutions to their life challenges. These solutions can be attained through a process of confrontation and clarification (Menninger 1958; KetsdeVries and Miller, 1984; Etchegoyen, 1991; Kets de Vries, 2008; Kets de Vries et al., 2007b), where people facing such predicaments are advised to present their problems to other people through a conversational format to learn new ways to deal with their difficulties.

Confrontation takes a probing but non-threatening form of questioning about issues and patterns of behavior. These questions and their resulting responses can help to make the individual's defenses more explicit, by allowing a better understanding of the hidden feelings and conflicts. It also helps in creating a balance sheet list of the advantages and disadvantages of being in their present state (KetsdeVries, 2006a, b). This is because, in this type of situation, the notion of enunciating a person's immunity system against change, thus clarifying competing commitments, has been proven to be an effective eye opener (Kegan and Lahey, 2001). Once the problem has been confronted, then they will be clarified in a closer and sharper focus for a better future. This approach will be deployed in this project paper to confront my issues and clarify the way forward.

CONFRONTING MY CONFLICT

The story in the introduction which reflects my life conflict can be further reflected and evaluated below to understand what I did wrong, what I should have done and what I did right.

Reflection 1 – I should not have trusted him from the beginning.

Evaluation 1 – trust is a part of human life and it is built within the soul, thus making is sometimes uncontrollable by our physical body. Therefore, the question of whether or not I should have trusted him in the first place is place is not a big in issue in relation to the event because anybody whom I could probably have done it whether or not I trusted the person.

Reflection 2 – I should never have sacrificed my school fees.

Evaluation 2 - in the doctrine of principality, the code is all about sacrifice. Sacrifice is an essential; part of human life and sometimes in our life we have had people sacrifice for us, making is reciprocally worthy for us to sacrifice for other people in order to maintain the equilibrium of righteousness (otherwise known as the golden rule: "do to other as you want them to do to you"). Therefore, it can be evaluated that sacrificing my school fees was worth the pain. While I could have dropped out of college if not for my loving parents, it is also necessary to look at the positive side of what could have been his faith (it is a question of 21 years imprisonment) and could have ruined his whole life.

Reflection 3 – I should have confronted him immediately he was out of jail and make him repay the money as he initially promised.

Evaluation 3–exactly what I did, but the friendliness of other buddies who approached me asking me to give him time tendered my mercy to his favor. I showed respect to my friends who were concerned about my approach to him, and while I was running out of time to the enrolment day, I still have time to wait for him to comply with the necessary action of paying back the money I released for his release from the penitentiary while sparling his life as well. Therefore, it reflects my human act of understanding and trying to create harmony with everybody around me.  

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY PAST INCIDENT

There is always a rationale behind every irrational decisions- every individual have certain prototype of self believes which are built into them from the society they were born into, and they carry these prototypes as a rational of how to see themselves and threat others. These prototypes influence how people act and react in their daily lives whether at home, school, play or work (George, 1969; McDougall, 1985).

 In the course of a maturation process, these prototypes are developed as themes in our inner theater – themes that reflect the preeminence of certain inner wishes which contributes to our unique personality, and they translate into "core conflictual relationship themes" (CCRT) which are consistent with the patterns that we adopt in relationship and relating to other (Luborsky and Crits-Cristoph, 1988, 1989).

In my case, the theme was "as I give, so shall I receive".This theme was developed from my early years based on preaching I received from my church. Thus, it yielded my irrational behavior of helping even if it could cost my own education as I wish to be helped by others if I ever was in such situation. The rationale behind such irrational decision was unseen at that time, as I did not think about "what if he doesn't repay me and it costs me my education". Thus, the lesson I learned is to base my actions on carefully rationalized decisions.

Impossibility is nothing–another lesson learned is that no matter what predicament we face in life, so long as we maintain positive attitude, nothing is impossible to achieve. Throughout the process of trying to negotiation a center of conundrum with my parents by justifying my actions in relation to my academic lifestyle, it was always a tough moment as my parents threatened to stop me from continuing my studies. However, this situation matured me from a kid to a man in an instant and I found real hope through maintaining positive attitude and it helped me to arrive a level of understanding with my parents who went on to continue sponsoring me up till today.

PERSONAL CHANGE: PAST EXPERIENCES THAT AFFECTED MY ACCEPTANCE FOR A CHANGE

The change process above is not automated in any form; rather it is a rigorous process that is formed by adopting numerous situations and following certain steps. The whole process which eventually resulted in my acceptance for change can be described by using numerous models as shown below.

KUBLER-ROSS' GRIEF CYCLE

Figure (1): Kubler-Ross' Grief Cycle

From the figure (1) above, it is illustrated that change which results by accepting our failure is not a straightforward process, but later a simultaneous and framework that follows certain steps in order to be achieved. This can father be elaborated below in relation to my case.

Denial and Isolation – at this stage, I denied the reality of the loss and withdrew from friends and family. It was hard to accept the fact that a friend I trusted with my own life and treated as a brother has actually done such a wicked act on me.

Anger – as time went on, I became angrier and irrationally blamed myself for my stupidity, and wished I never helped him from the first stage. But it is not possible to change the incident anymore and unfortunately, I couldn't wipe out the pain.

Bargaining – isolated from the world and nobody else to seek help from but my family, I decided to bargain with them to gain back their trust and love. Thus, I told my father that if he is able to give me a second chance, I will focus on my studies and never repeat such an act.

Depression – although words from my parents were encouraging, I still felt numb, down, and totally discouraged. It seemed like I will never be happy again, and I had few interests and time to send with people. I felt like a total loser as I lost both my money and my friend.

Acceptance – after about 4 months, I started to accept reality and the fact that I cannot turn back the time. My parents eventually showed their love by sending me another school fees and it peeved way for change in my life.

KURT LEWIN'S PROCESS OF PERSONAL CHANGE

Figure (2): Kurt Lewin's process of personal change

Kurt Lewin developed a change process as illustrated in the figure (2) above, and it can also be linked to highlight the past that actually resulted in my acceptance for change. Form the above change process, after the incident, I unlearned my past believe of trusting and treating people as myself. After the unlearning process, I relearned a new approach for dealing with people which is to have a backed up evidence for everything I do and never sacrifice my happiness for others. This new learned skill was institutionalized as a part of me, and after few months of trial, I decided to accept it as a new change in my life.

The two models above (Kubler-Ross' Grief Cycle and Kurt Lewin's process of personal change) have illustrated the past events that occurred before I finally accepted the change process, and it further illustrates that my new changed life is not an automated action, later a process achieved by following certain steps and conditions.  

MY WHEEL OF CHANGE

Figure (3) lose and change process

Source as Adapted from: Ketz de Vries (2011)

As pointed out Ketz de Vries (20110 in the figure (3) above, the wheel of change starts from the moment when you realize you have lost which results in a shock and yearning or un-believability. Then you transcend to disorder and despair which is the product of you losing, and this makes you stronger and serves as a key reason for you to see new ways to adapt with your current situation.

This is the case as in relation to my incident and from my incident, I have developed the balance sheet of change below to point out my justifications for changing and what I will have to change in order to avoid such predicament in the future.

Table 1: Balance Sheet of Change

Reasons To Continue The Change

Reasons Not To Continue The Change

By changing, I have learned to take myself first and this has helped me in ensuring that I don't sacrifice my good for other people. Rationalization is the root of every decision I make since the event, and it have helped me to build a peaceful harmony between myself and people around me because I only pledge to what I can handle and resist from what I can't handle. By changing, I have to come understand that my academics are the foundation to my future success and thus put in more efforts in my academic life. The change has helped me to screen down all my friends and drop the ones whom I deem to be of no importance while maintaining close relationships with those see certain values in. The event has been transformational to say the list, as it have thought me to know that I am fully responsible for any decision I make in life and it has helped me to be cautious in decision making process and try to find the hidden threats behind any shiny opportunity.

By taking myself as the center of every decision, it has sometimes resulted in not helping people I am in the position to help and this has changed my personal image to somewhat "wicked" in the eyes of some of my friends and ex-friends. Although rationalization is a good way to ensure more precision, it must be understood that it is hinders our ability to be creative and innovative as creativity and innovation is a product of "trial and error" while rationalization is a product of "don't try when you are not sure". Although I am benefiting from the idea of focusing more in my education, but it is coming at the consequence of forfeiting my leisure time and it is negatively influencing my social life as I no longer spend time with friends like I do in the past. After screening down my friends to ensure that I am only befriending the right people I can trust, I have also noticed that some of these people I call friends now exhibit certain characteristics that I don't like while those I screened out seem to exhibit the characteristics I seek in my friends. By understanding that I am responsible for my actions, I have developed a common habit of living in the past events of my wrong decisions and blaming myself for such decisions. Thus, it is one of the reasons not to continue the change and constant blame on myself and influence me to shy away from strategic decisions.

 CLARIFYING MY WAY FORWARD

From the above balance sheet, numerous reason to and not to change have been highlighted, but I have found ways to adapt with my situation and move on in life. However, the incident has currently influenced my life in numerous ways and it will continue to influence my life in relation to my workplace role. Below is the way this incidence is expected to influence my workplace role in the future.

MY FUTURE POSSIBLE ACTION IN RELATION TO MY WORKPLACE ROLE

AS EMPLOYEE: CARNALL'S CYCLE OF COPING

Figure (4): cycle of coping (Carnall, 1990)

Carnall (1990), proposed a cycle for copying from shock in life incidence. The cycle is similar to that discussed earlier on by Kurt Lewin above. He suggested five steps associated with moving on currently I am in the 5 stage which is internationalizing the change as an aspect of my life, and below is how the experience will influence my future workplace role.

I will be a technician at work – under the leadership model, a technician has is someone who is aware of the rules and regulations and knows best way to make a department better. From this perspective, he is more focused on the company and takes precautionary measures during decision making to ensure that he is not being cheated on.

This is the type of employee I will be in the future.  Focused on my tasks, fully understand organizational rules and regulations, and not into gossip or much of friend making. This is because I find it hard to trust people anymore and I am now taking precautionary measures to ensure that such an incident doesn't occur to me in the future.

On the other hand, I will also ensure that all businesses are documents with signatures especially those related to lending and borrowing of any sort. All borrowers must present a form of collateral as backup in case of inability to comply with the lending agreement. Through this means, I will be more protected against losing all at the same time.

AS A LEADER, SUPERVISOR AND EXECUTIVE

Ketz de Vries"s framework of the root at top

Ketz de Vries (1997), believes that the personality of a leader influences productivity in the organization, and he highlighted five common faults associated with leaders as dramatic, suspicious, being detached, depression and compulsion. Based on the description of these leadership qualities, I identified myself as a compulsive leader in my future workplace because I will ensure that such incidence in my past doesn't occur in my workplace.

A compulsive leader – as supervisors, they supervise their staffs closely and have standard operation procedures and bureaucratic structures.  As executives, they are afraid of being at the mercy of people and want to have full control of everything that happens in their life. As leaders, they are obsessed with details and want exclude pleasure and fun from their lives.

This basically summarizes my life now and it will continue to head this direction in relation to my future workplace role. Although I have adapted to my situation, there is still a strong fear of a repeat situation in the future and all these measures are taken into account to ensure that such an incident doesn't reoccur in the future. I will be a compulsive leader in my workplace.

CONCLUSION

From the analyses of my incident, it has been illustrated that past occurrences in our life always have great impact on our future. They are certain occurrence's that will shape whom we are and redefined whom we will be forever. This is not limited to any human, as different human have different issues of their own to face in life.

Ketz de Vries (2011) was quick to understand the need for reshaping people's life in accordance to their model lives and developed approaches to consult any situations we face in life. Thus, reflective paper was developed based on understanding the past in relation to mistakes made and lessons learned, and remodeling it for the future in relation to whom we want to be and how we want to live our lives.

Under the wheel of change developed by Ketz de Vries (2007), the steps were highlighted as identifying the problem, confronting the problem and clarifying whether we want to change or not to change based on justifiable examination as highlighted in the balance sheet of change. Thus, after drawing the balance sheet of change it was clear that change at this point is no longer avoidable.

Based on the balance sheet of change, how the incident will impact my future workplace role was also highlighted to be as technician employee and a compulsive leader. Both models are based on the idea of taking precautionary measures to reduce possibility of errors or shortcoming, and it can be seen that they are as a result of the past incident in my life. it clearly illustrates that I am still in the conflict triangle.

The whole theories have served as a base of understanding in relation to my future workplace, as my past incidence has affected my personality and qualities. Essentially, it is clear that I must be carefully in my future, and thus this will also be applicable in my workplace. Being betrayed by someone I trust is an experience that I had difficulties copying with, and in organizations, it can lead to financial loses for the company. Thus, this reflection highlights the fact that trust although is regarded as an important element of our personality, should not be used as the bases of decision making because if betrayed, it will be difficult for the victim to cope with the loses. The possibility of losing is always imminent as human beings are different and poses different characteristics, thus, is not easy to identify a base for guaranteeing that the person you trust will eventually live up to the expectation of not betraying your trust on him or her.

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